A Million Lying Pieces -- Audience of Two

I am an Alcoholic and I am a Drug Addict and I am a Criminal.
That's very nice to hear. Now could you please get out of my chair so I can see my next patient? We're done drilling.
I checked and he was right. My teeth were dripping blood, but at least I could tell they were fixed. Having my teeth drilled without anesthesia had made every cell in my body burn white hot with electric pain. Like a bayonet stabbing.
You were out for a good hour.
I must have blacked out from the pain.
Right. That or the anesthesia.
I didn't have any anesthesia. I am not allowed drugs as part of my treatment.
That would be barbaric. Good thing I used lidocaine, which isn't addictive.
I had no anesthesia.
Um, right.
I survived the pain through sheer force of will.
That's not actually possible. You're kidding, right?
I am an Alcoholic and I am a Drug Addict and I am a Criminal and I am an Acclaimed Architect. But I am not a Kidding.
Whatever, just get out of here.

You had a triple root canal without any anesthesia?
I performed it on myself.
Boy, you're probably the strongest person I ever met. And that's coming from somebody whose body is currently being crushed lifeless by a two ton SUV. And you hit me.
Somebody else drove the car. And I can lift this car off of you.
Oh, could you? You'd be my hero.
I am an Alcoholic and I am a Drug Addict and I am a Criminal and I am an Olympic Gold-Medal Figure Skater and I am a Kidding. But I am not a hero. If I leave the clinic, I will have no life in front of me. And neither do you.
Boy, it's a treatment center for caffeine. And you can leave anytime you like.
At the age of 8 I was legally addicted to MDMA, PCP, H2O, MP3 and USA. By the age of 11 my stomach lining was being cultivated and solded as a hallucinogen. At the age of 17 I was so high astronomers officially declared me a constellation. I am seeking treatment and I am inhaling opium right now. I am so tough I even killed Chuck Norris. Twice. No I will let you die because I seem sensitive but I'm still a darkly troubled man. If anybody one day were to accuse me of plagiarism, I might snap and murder talk show hosts.
Oh my God, you are insane.
I do not believe in God. I am an Alcoholic and I am a Drug Addict and I am a Spare Tire and I am McDonald's Secret Sauce and I am Two Identical Snowflakes and I am a Hurricane Katrina and I am God and I am insane. But I am not a liar.