Dear Messrs. or Mesdames Girls Gone Wild,
    I am writing to request a full refund for the purchase of a Digital Versatile Disc in the Girls Gone Wild documentary series.  I am sure that such a decision could prove to be very controversial, so I want to be sure that I take such a bold step in the spirit of kinship.

    Before I get started, I wanted to apologize for sending this letter C.O.D.  I am several months behind on my rent, and my counterfeiting business has earned the disapproval from the local police force, so I find that I have little other choice than to force my debts on to other people.  Also, I feel great remorse at the fact that my wife has left me of late, after forcing me to make a decision between her and my typewriter.

    As I write this letter, I want to make sure you don't get the mistaken impression that I am a prude or a homo-sexual.  The only thing I enjoy more than the sexual union between a man and a woman is defining the union of marriage to be between a man and a woman.

    And even though the girls did not technically go "wild", I am not returning it for this reason.  You should be aware that others could attack you based on this argument.  Because you chose a setting where girls frequently engage in breast exposure and lesbian relationships, this behavior cannot technically be considered "wild", but instead the "norm."

    Also, the Digital Versatile Disc appeared to be malfunctioning.  No amount of concentration could produce the desired effect of wildness.  At this point, my parole officer explained that I needed to purchase a "DVD playa."  Fifteen thousand dollars later, I had little choice but to view the video at a friend's residence, where he informed me that it was actually my intellect that was malfunctioning.

    The reason I am writing in protest is that I was offended by your blatant false advertising.  Your video depicted young women with the rare medical condition of having their nipples and occasionally their vulvas replaced by pulsating, rotating stars.  As a member of the even rarer community that has a fetish for such women, I was extremely disappointed to find that these videos contained no such footage.  I feel that our lives are already difficult enough, given that the logistical difficulties of penetrating a woman who has a star-shaped vaginal covering.  To go to the added difficulty of superimposing fake stars on these women strikes me as a downright sinister means of duping us honest taxpayers out of our fetishistic material.  A pox on ye.