You people have got to learn to chill out. Seriously, lighten up a little. You act like you wouldn't know a joke if it bit you right on that gigantic stick-up-your-ass.

See, any normal person would laugh after a hilarious witticism like that, but you keep sitting there with that ugly mug of yours. It's not like I'm actually saying you have an immense tree part protruding from your anus. You of all people ought to know me better than that. Come on, man, I'm only Joe King.

You're like this guy I was talking to the other day. He was sitting on a park bench just crying his eyes out, and so I came up to him and said, "What's the matter? Did Baby lose his bottle?" Jeez, you'd think I killed his ma the way this guy glared at me. "For your information, my wife has cancer and is in the hospital." Wah, wah, wah. Take it easy, big boy--I'm only Joe King, there's no need to go all epileptic on me.

Or there was this lady one time at the Holiday Inn buffet who was literally the size of Shamu the killer whale. I mean, she was at least 800 lbs. or something. So I go up to her and I'm like, "Hey lady, why don't you save some of those sausage links for the rest of us?" And she basically throws a hissy fit, and she's screaming obscenities and saying she's just a little overweight. So I go, "Hey lady, saying you're just a little overweight is like saying Atlantis is just a little wet." Fucking hilarious, no? But for some reason, the manager didn't get the humor I was laying out there. (Probably the fat bitch was his best customer or something.) Whatever, I didn't want to eat there, anyway.

All right, I can understand if you don't know me how you might get offended at some of the things I say...if you're a retard! Seriously, folks, I'm just Joe King and I'll always be Joe King. How can I make it any clearer? Everything I say is comic gold. If you guys can't take a little Joe King at your expense, that's your problem, not mine.